OK , Its my first blog and really the only reason for even blogging is to get the crap out of my head that I have been carrying around for all these forsaken years, Its funny how when people are talking to me and all I hear in my head is BLAH BLAH BLAH, Sometimes I want to scream at them and tell them "Are you fucking for real" I am that fat girl who is so happy on the outside, that has everyone believing that I love my life and that everything is so wonderful, but you know what its not, it sucks and I pretty much hate my life, I think it is time for a change, I'm not sure how or what I am suppose to do, but you have to start some where, So I thought how about blogging? I mean nobody knows me or my life and really I don't think that reading about a fat middle aged women who is a little depressed would interest anyone, but it does allow me to just let it all out. I'm not sure where I'm am suppose to start, I mean do I say well I was born in 1965, Naw I think I will save that for another day. Today I feel lonely my son is visiting his father and I am having trouble adjusting to not being a mom for a week, His dad is a big piece of crap, but it is his father, I guess he will figure that out when he is older, Its not for me to tell him that. I have been thinking alot lately about love and I guess that is where the loneliness is coming into play, I want to love someone but its such a pain in the ass to do so. I think maybe I am getting to old and set in my ways to even try, but damn the loneliness makes me think I need someone, Why do we need someone, and being fat comes into play there as well, you know that whole not loving yourself, Who could love themselves fat. I guess I am luckier than most I have a thyroid disease but it sure does not make me feel any better about being fat. Its gross and I hate it. People say don't eat bad food, Oh I get so pissed, just cause I am fat does not mean I eat bad food, I cant waddle around with a sign on my body that says I have a medical reason, It sounds lame for one but fuck it's true. Maybe this blogging will help with that who the hell knows, but I just know I am damn tired of watching T.V and not going out and letting life pass me bye. Well I guess that is enough rambling for one night, I must say I feel a tad bit better. I guess until next time
Tracy
